Fortune

I am not a superstitious person. I love to open umbrellas in stores and walk around for awhile. Ladders always made the best forts to hide beneath. I roll my eyes at 11:11 because I know someone out there is saying "It's 11:11! Make a wish!"

Can we just stop and look at that? It's 11:11 twice a day, EVERY day. So... it's lucky. Seriously, this bothers me.

However, I do love Chinese food, and I hoard slips of paper that come in cookies like they are tokens. They can see so easily through me, and they can whisper things that no one else could possibly know. The other day I found a handful that has been floating around in a box for the last few months.

"What you see in the mirror, and what you are can be two different images."

"An admirer finds you charming"

"Your character can be described as natural and unrestrained."

"You will continue to take chances and be glad you did"

"This is a prosperous time of life for you"

You were on my mind
Your skin and my skin were the same
You filled my heart until it was easier to feel yours beat than it was to hear my own
I thought you had opened the door to my soul and taken a sledge hammer to morality, safety, sanity and bravery.

But that door does not exist.

You can not penetrate something that does not belong in this world.

And here I sit, like I always have, in a room with no door
Becoming acquainted with the treasures laid up

It's coming out hard, and it's coming out slow, but it's coming out nonetheles

If I could write you a letter today...

Dear -----,

If I would write this letter to you today, I would tell you how I made myself sick thinking about you this week. That every couple I saw was you with her. That every familiar tree, building, person, sight, sound, smell, asked about you.

I would write to tell you that everyday I remember your flecked eyes, each and every laugh that you brought out of me and each one that you gave back to me. I would tell you that I remember your touch, and the way you stood in front of me in my eyes. And the way you could be impatient.

I would write that I am strong. I have accomplished more than I thought I could. I wouldn't tell you this to prove anything. It just is. I would write that I am so much better and stronger in myself than I had been. I would tell you about the trains, the graveyards, the music, the people I have encountered.

If I would write a letter to you today, I would say that I hope you are happy. I would say that I am not over you. That I am over you. That you are not now what I was in love with then -- and that is okay. That I found that I deserve more, that I have more to offer now.

One day my insides won't be tied up. Maybe that'll be after you marry your girl. After I have my first child. Maybe I will send you a picture of my family dressed up for Abraham Lincoln's birthday in a few years, and you'll send one of your own back.

Maybe one day I won't hope that you'll read this, that you won't be with your girl anymore. That you'll have regret, and feel an eighth of what I have felt over you. I would leave a few things out. Like perhaps I should have done all along.

If I would write this letter today, I would sign,

with regards,
-------

Sierra DeMulder // Unrequited Love Poem // A Poem Observed // Button Poetry

I am lucky

you are

hold on to that

record it

take pictures of it

write about it

so that you remember this

because it'll serve as a token for when things are hard that the good times do happen and that they'll visit again

Object Lesson...

So, two years ago I chopped off about a foot of hair and have progressively gone shorter and shorter until this past summer I practically had a buzz cut.

Which I LOVED.

And looked dang good on me. It also helped that I wasn't eating real food and running almost every day for that endorphin-high, so my features were particularly gaunt (for me) (also please note sarcasm, these habits are not healthy nor endorsed).

Anyhow, rough times aside, I've been trying to grow out my hair since that last chop in May, and this picture shows (in shadow, I know) exactly how far that's gotten me.

The problem with some change, is it takes a-w-h-i-l-e for the result to manifest itself. Being patient through this waiting period can take a lot out of a person, it can cause them to look back, see what they could have with a few snips of the scissors and think, "Hey, maybe that wasn't so bad."

It can cause a person to look forward and get anxious for what is to come, thus forgetting to enjoy the fun things that can be done NOW... with their hair that is. Sometimes, it feels as though there is no change, when progress is coming steadily all along, centimeter by centimeter, but it does come, so in the meantime, enjoy the growth.

Heart Over Chemicals

Highly Recommend this post from Hello Giggles

Heart Over Chemicals

by Sarah May Bates

Sometimes your brain ain’t your best friend. Self-discipline is really friggin’ hard. Especially when your brain chemicals are gushing full-force telling you to do something that you feel as though you cannot stop doing. I think a sign of strength and maturity is the ability to stop yourself when you feel the most like you cannot. Sometimes this test happens when we are in a lot of pain that we desperately want to get out of, and sometimes it’s simply when we are in the heat of passion or we really want that glazed donut. The secret to everything you wish you could do, or could make yourself do, lies in how you behave in those moments. Do you decide you are powerless or do you decide you are not? Well, the secret to changing a long set trait is being successful just once. Walking the other way, pulling the emergency chord. Listening to a tiny voice inside yourself and changing course when you feel like you can’t.

The enlightenment that I recently had in my own life is this exact realization. People talk about it often and it doesn’t do much to tell another person. “Everything is up to you.” Thanks. Well, I can now see that everything you do is in your power. The key is to get to that realization and be able to access that power when you need it the most. It’s almost like tricking HAL when your whole body is over-ridden. But it’s completely possible, just try as hard as you can to remember to take a new step in the face of this overwhelming chemical urge. You just have to use that emergency chord. Just pull it. Whatever it is – calling a friend, walking the other way, running the other way, having a one-gal dance party. Just remove yourself from that situation and you will slowly regain chemical balance. It actually helps to run or jump or get blood into your brain; maybe hang your head upside down. When my chemicals take over, it’s usually because I want something to medicate myself, or my brain IS medicating myself with endorphins of some kind and they are very overwhelming and or seductive. It’s like we often want to let ourselves be intoxicated, not responsible, not capable. But in the end we really don’t want that for ourselves, we just think we do. It always ends the same way: disappointed regretful “defeat” that was in fact in our power to avoid.

I will summarize my steps again but more simply. When you’re in a place where you’re feeling out of control, listen to that tiny voice that’s screaming in your head to maybe stop and maybe not do this. Then enact your escape plan, no matter how silly and weird it is. Mine is running to downward dog. It’s kind of inconvenient at times, but hey, it works. As my long-time voice of reason put it, “It’s like being in the same room your entire life and realizing there’s been a door behind you the entire time.” Profoundly huge realization.

Stay nice and cozy and hoping you all have a wonderful Sunday.

xoxox Sarah