Object Lesson...

So, two years ago I chopped off about a foot of hair and have progressively gone shorter and shorter until this past summer I practically had a buzz cut.

Which I LOVED.

And looked dang good on me. It also helped that I wasn't eating real food and running almost every day for that endorphin-high, so my features were particularly gaunt (for me) (also please note sarcasm, these habits are not healthy nor endorsed).

Anyhow, rough times aside, I've been trying to grow out my hair since that last chop in May, and this picture shows (in shadow, I know) exactly how far that's gotten me.

The problem with some change, is it takes a-w-h-i-l-e for the result to manifest itself. Being patient through this waiting period can take a lot out of a person, it can cause them to look back, see what they could have with a few snips of the scissors and think, "Hey, maybe that wasn't so bad."

It can cause a person to look forward and get anxious for what is to come, thus forgetting to enjoy the fun things that can be done NOW... with their hair that is. Sometimes, it feels as though there is no change, when progress is coming steadily all along, centimeter by centimeter, but it does come, so in the meantime, enjoy the growth.

I went blonde and on a date...

You'd be surprised which one was the harder to accomplish.

My question is, does change have to be a conspicuous event?

I really get a thrill from chopping my hair in a drastic way, of seeing a sudden difference, picking up and moving, even buying a new outfit. But the changes that are REAL. How do they happen? I look at myself a year ago, six months ago, and am so glad I am no longer that person (though some may not see that difference) and I can not pinpoint where the change was made. On a trip home? During a funeral? In a hostel during a road trip?

I'm sure these landmark moments in my life impact who I am in some ways. But I think that it's those quiet moments where life is still. I can breathe in and out. Those resolute moments. That have contributed the most to who I've become, and who I am becoming. I'm grateful for age and experience, for the peace-of-heart that I currently am clinging to.

Sometimes you just have to grab it with both fists...

Change is not always easy. There's this part of me, a significant part, that fights against change at every moment. Changes in online social networks send me into a rage. Changes in my life, send me into a strange anxiousness coupled with lethargy and apathy.

I turned in my two-weeks notice on Friday (and by Friday I mean Tuesday). I went to the school and tried to print it out on their computers (but the file was incompatible, so I waited). While driving there, I was filled with a sinking lightness and heaviness in my toes, the area behind my bellybutton, my finger tips, and throat. I print this out, and in two weeks I will not have a job. I will not have a job, and I will not have a place to live by the end of the month. I did not mind that the file was not compatible and I went to work and could pretend that nothing was different. Regardless, I knew it was coming while I sat there. Listening to the heavy machines puncture fabric and leaving behind a row of thick thread like a scar in skin. This was not meant for me.

I knew I was turning in my two weeks notice, I had dozens of applications in four major cities. Two fall back plans. I was leaving my job. And I'm leaving this state.

I have an interview for a job in SLC next week thanks to the thoughtfulness and connections of friends. I have  five more days at a factory. I am looking at my pictures on these walls and I know they will be in a box in the matter of days, a week or two tops. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm supposed to be doing. But I can make change happen in my life.

I can get up and go for a run tonight. Oh, I went running three days last week, and once already this week. I can do this!

The Illusionist

I've recently watched the French film "The Illusionist". The story of a simple magician who travels around Europe to mixed reviews.

At one particular stop he picks up a stowaway in a young girl who has every faith in his acts of trickery and slight of hand. Though they are not overly familiar with each other the magician finds little ways to please the girl and through his influence she becomes a graceful and confident young woman.

This made me wonder, how much of what we feel has changed us, or improves us, is actually an illusion? When we are changed for the worse, can we point to an event in our lives or just on our handling of that event? When we feel more confident, or feel that we have matured in some way, is it something real? A change that cannot be removed? Or does it just have to do with the opinion of those around us and the clothes that we are wearing?

Does any of this matter?

Speaking of...

One of my favorite blogs online is The Art of Manliness. They go through so many applicable lessons for today's Gentlemen from Relationships & Family, Manly Skills, and Dress & Grooming.

The latest entry I read was on The Law of Sacrifice. This article explains that attaining goals, and effectively changing one's self requires a price. As I continue through this project of recording my changes it was very helpful to be reminded of this law that this undertaking takes real work and fortitude. So I'm taking a card from the Gentleman's deck on this one.