Thursday, November 17, 2011
Which I LOVED.
And looked dang good on me. It also helped that I wasn't eating real food and running almost every day for that endorphin-high, so my features were particularly gaunt (for me) (also please note sarcasm, these habits are not healthy nor endorsed).
Anyhow, rough times aside, I've been trying to grow out my hair since that last chop in May, and this picture shows (in shadow, I know) exactly how far that's gotten me.
The problem with some change, is it takes a-w-h-i-l-e for the result to manifest itself. Being patient through this waiting period can take a lot out of a person, it can cause them to look back, see what they could have with a few snips of the scissors and think, "Hey, maybe that wasn't so bad."
It can cause a person to look forward and get anxious for what is to come, thus forgetting to enjoy the fun things that can be done NOW... with their hair that is. Sometimes, it feels as though there is no change, when progress is coming steadily all along, centimeter by centimeter, but it does come, so in the meantime, enjoy the growth.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sometimes your brain ain’t your best friend. Self-discipline is really friggin’ hard. Especially when your brain chemicals are gushing full-force telling you to do something that you feel as though you cannot stop doing. I think a sign of strength and maturity is the ability to stop yourself when you feel the most like you cannot. Sometimes this test happens when we are in a lot of pain that we desperately want to get out of, and sometimes it’s simply when we are in the heat of passion or we really want that glazed donut. The secret to everything you wish you could do, or could make yourself do, lies in how you behave in those moments. Do you decide you are powerless or do you decide you are not? Well, the secret to changing a long set trait is being successful just once. Walking the other way, pulling the emergency chord. Listening to a tiny voice inside yourself and changing course when you feel like you can’t.
The enlightenment that I recently had in my own life is this exact realization. People talk about it often and it doesn’t do much to tell another person. “Everything is up to you.” Thanks. Well, I can now see that everything you do is in your power. The key is to get to that realization and be able to access that power when you need it the most. It’s almost like tricking HAL when your whole body is over-ridden. But it’s completely possible, just try as hard as you can to remember to take a new step in the face of this overwhelming chemical urge. You just have to use that emergency chord. Just pull it. Whatever it is – calling a friend, walking the other way, running the other way, having a one-gal dance party. Just remove yourself from that situation and you will slowly regain chemical balance. It actually helps to run or jump or get blood into your brain; maybe hang your head upside down. When my chemicals take over, it’s usually because I want something to medicate myself, or my brain IS medicating myself with endorphins of some kind and they are very overwhelming and or seductive. It’s like we often want to let ourselves be intoxicated, not responsible, not capable. But in the end we really don’t want that for ourselves, we just think we do. It always ends the same way: disappointed regretful “defeat” that was in fact in our power to avoid.
I will summarize my steps again but more simply. When you’re in a place where you’re feeling out of control, listen to that tiny voice that’s screaming in your head to maybe stop and maybe not do this. Then enact your escape plan, no matter how silly and weird it is. Mine is running to downward dog. It’s kind of inconvenient at times, but hey, it works. As my long-time voice of reason put it, “It’s like being in the same room your entire life and realizing there’s been a door behind you the entire time.” Profoundly huge realization.
Stay nice and cozy and hoping you all have a wonderful Sunday.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The last few weeks I've been counseled to live in the moment, not to worry about the future when I'm working on enjoying life, and more importantly not to dwell on the past. Be in the moment. I've also read a lot of articles and seen this video, just randomly for work or whatever, about how technology is becoming addicting and keeping us from being in the now. Now I am definitely guilty of using my cell phone as a defense mechanism, "It's okay that I'm here by myself and don't have anyone to talk to, I have someone very important that I'm texting (mom), and no, it's not my mother (yes it is)." But looking around both before the bands began to play and during the performance I was a little stunned at how many people were texting, or checking their phones for messages. The ones who weren't you could tell were into the concert, dancing like crazy, singing loudly to the music, occasionally stomping on my foot, and they were living in the moment, enjoying fact that they were AT a concert. The others, you could barely tell the difference of if they were at a concert, or driving in the car, or on their laptops at home nodding along and occasionally repeating lyrics. No joy.
(Ironically, I just heard my cell phone beep with a text message and had to search it out before continuing.)
One of my favorite songs was played while I had full view of both singers faces, and the foot-stomper seemed to disappear, or lose energy and I was zoned in. It was bliss. A lyric that has always meant something so distinct to me suddenly changed it's entire meaning, "This is what it's like on a fantasy/You put your life on hold as we interest one another." Coming down from my own fantasy has been long and tedious, but down I am coming. This isn't a sad thing, fantasies (in this specific case) keep you from seeing reality, you have a skewed perspective of other people, yourself, and your priorities. Real life has ups and downs that make those ups so much higher in comparison. The next time I'm tempted to jump onto a fantasy, I hope I can remember that real life can be so much more beautiful and lasting and important, and that can turn into something fantastic.
Third, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? I don't even know. They were playing movies on two screens in the venue that were some of my favorites. ET, The Big Labowski, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I forgot how much I love that movie.
Taking a look at the art of change. Not that I have experienced the following at all................ some boyfriends know how to make a damn good mix tape. New songs, new bands, new renditions, perfect hopeful and coupley lyrics.... ahhh you and me. The thing is, once that relationship is over, (again, I can not relate to this at ALL...............) those songs, that have become thereafter your favorite songs are ruined. They bring back broken promises, false hopes, memories, and self-doubts that never belonged there in the first place. So, I'm not sure how I'm going to continue with this, but I'm going to endeavor to make different associations for those favorite songs that have meant so much to me so I may be able to continue to enjoy them and maybe attribute them to something else great in the future. And maybe this is what happens in all break-up situations, new memories, and new experiences take the place of the old, and the old begin to fade in importance.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I cannot sleep because this week I've been sick and awake until 3 or 4 am for the past few nights in a row. I am starving to express myself, and I don't even know what I want to say.
Sometimes I study the plains of my face and can pull out each highlight as I simultaneously identify the shortcomings.
And that face in the mirror looks just as confused as you or I.