AWOLNATION - Sail

A stasis

I'm obsessed with that quote from Anais Nin. I believe it. It illustrates what I feel I've been discovering over the last year while working on creating a change in myself.

We, as humans, are not linear. Our existence is spherical and not a fixed, perfect sphere. We undulate, dilate, we have tides. The word globular is better; to describe a globe, like our world, a globe. But it's also just a globby shape, imperfect and nondescript, a glob.

I'm glad that I am consistently incorrect in predicting my future. I do not have the ability to know what forces of my life are pushing, pulling or holding me in what direction.

I think a stasis is a form of stability. Confidence in a relationship. What a relief.

Anais Nin

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

I swing back

You would pick me up in half an hour, I'd spend the time brushing my teeth and making myself look cute but like I didn't try to look cute at all.

You wouldn't even have to turn off the engine, I'd be waiting on the stoop with the light on and bound to the car and in the seat and next to you and smile as I take your ipod and pick tracks that are for just such an adventure.

We'd drive, probably not talking much, maybe say "I think there's a park up this way," "This song makes me feel like summer all year long." The windows would be down a little ways, I can't tell if it's cold outside or if I'm tired or if the bumps that make the hair on my arm stand up are because I haven't touched you yet.

I shake my shoulders and put my fingers between my knees.

You lean towards the wheel.

As we come to a stop, next to a grassy field, a city down below, the stars up above. Both lights are just what I need. You reach for my hand as we run through the dewy grass. I didn't know the dew settled this early. I didn't know that running would warm me so much.

Unlocking our hands we claim our swings. The chains are cold, the plastic is wet. I pump my legs and the night air chills my cheeks. I can see my breath leave a trail as I swing back. Two sets of chains make quiet wrenching whispers. You went higher and jumped.

I keep pumping. Til I can jump over this city.

Things I'm not ready for you to know

I'm hung up on you

You've given me a brand new heart, one that has no memory of past tears

I'm holding back so much and it feels like it's slipping through my fingers and I don't mind that loosening grip

tomorrow

tomorrow is only in your head.

it is a figment

of imagination
by the time it comes

it is today
and there remains

a tomorrow

to look towards.

this boy makes me needy for a weedy shy guy